At War With Myself

This came out of a devotion I was doing from 2 Chronicles 14-16:10.  There is a lot of meat in these passages but some very specific things spoke to me when I read the story of Asa, King of Judah.  Asa, king of Judah, was a follower of God.   He instituted reforms to rid the land of heathen deities and practices, and removed all the idols his father had made.  He demanded the people of Judah also follow God and obey his laws and commandments.  Because of his obedience to God, and ruling his land accordingly, the land lived in peace and without war for a long time.  Their land was built up and prospering because they were seeking the Lord.  It wasn't until about 10 years into his reign that King Asa encountered his first attacks from troops from Ethiopia.  When this happened, Asa turned to the Lord and relied on Him to prevail.  God defeated the Ethiopians, and Asa and the army of Judah triumphed as the Ethiopians fled. Asa then cleared the land of Judah and Benjamin of all idols. Then the people entered into a contract to worship only the Lord God of their fathers.  Then years later, 36 years into his reign, something changed.  When Baasha, king of Israel went up against Judah, Asa turned to the king of Aram for help (in the form of a treaty) rather than turning to God and relying on Him to carry them through.  It amazes me, just like the woman in 1 Kings 7 who has oil and flour show up miraculously everyday, that Asa who has also seen God's provision in a big way already, still screws up and fails to seek and trust God in his current situation.  
     Wow!  Now as warped as this sounds, I take a lot of comfort in that, because at least I know I'm not alone in my battle to continually place my trust in God.  The part that makes me extremely uncomfortable is where the story goes on to tell how because of Asa's reliance on something other than God, he will be at war over and over again.  Oh man, that's rough!  But isn't that exactly what happens to us when we don't put our trust in God and rely on him to carry us through?  I know it does with me!  I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself, fighting with my own fear and doubt, rather than putting my complete trust and reliance on God.  Until I learn to do that, I know I will be at war, battling to let God take control of my worries and stress.  I want to surrender to him in this way, but why do I always struggle with this?  God has shown me time and time again that He is able, and that He's carried me through times worse that whatever I'm worried about now.  
     Asa was so angry when he was told that because he relied on man and not God, he would be at war over and over, he sent Hanani (the one who delivered the message of war) to prison, and then went on to brutally oppress his people.  I may not be taking out my anger on others, but I'm definitely taking it out on myself.  I get so down on myself for my lack of trust, and it's an ugly cycle that eats away at my confidence and security as a child of God and a follower of Christ.  God does not want me living in this self inflicted oppression.  He sent his son to die for the very purpose that I may live in freedom. 
     God, I ask for your deliverance from this cycle.  Even in my lack of trust, your lover NEVER fails.  You're always waiting for me to surrender to you, and I fight.  I don't want to fight anymore, I'm tired and worn out from this battle of not trusting and wanting to.  God I ask that every time worry and fear enters my thoughts, I can take them captive in your name, knowing fully well that you are strong enough, powerful enough, able and wanting to carry me through to the other side where freedom and peace await me.  God help me not to tear myself down every time I find myself worrying.  In my humanity,  there is where forgiveness lives.  Fear is an emotion you created us to have in order to warn us when danger or evil is near.  It's natural sometimes to fear, amidst trouble in life, but at that point, help me to release it over to your care rather than seek comfort in other people or things.  Thank you for your divine alertness and that I can rely on you to keep me out of trouble- one round of war after another.  I want nothing more than to taste the sweetness of relying on you all the time, every day.

2 Chronicles 16:9 

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.

My Assurance Verses:

-He knows my name - Isaiah 43:1

-He sees my every move - Psalm 139:7

-He thinks about me - Psalm 139:17

-He is with me - Joshua 1:9

-He will fight for me - Exodus 14:14

-He made me in His image - Genesis 1:27

-He is my safe place - Psalm 62:6-8

-He has a plan for me - Jeremiah 29:11

-He is good - Psalm 119:68

-He is freedom - 2 Corinthians 3:17

-He is always with me - Matthew 28:20

-I am fearfully and wonderfully made - Psalm 139:14