Your promise preserves my life!

     God is so much stronger than all of these things that are trying to hold me down, the things that I have given power to.  Why is it so hard for me to release them to him, to give him the power over them, the power to destroy them once and for all.  I can feel myself clenching them them so tightly, white knuckled, afraid to let go.  Finances, marriage, job...it's too much, and yet I can't seem to let go.  Why?  Is it because I don't trust him with them, or that I don't trust his timing in them? 
     Sometimes I feel like I am sinking, that I am so far away from Him and beyond his reach, leaving me with all these things getting heavier and pushing me down deeper and deeper.  I got this vision of me alone, in the middle of the vast ocean, struggling.  Struggling to stay afloat.  The water around me is blue, but the water underneath me is so dark, black.  I am being weighed down by this debree, wood, sticks, garbage...junk.  I am just trying to keep my head above water, but the debree is so heavy. God sees me, he reaches for me but I am too far away, beyond his reach.  I am begging him to pull me out.  I am reminded of that saying, 'the water is rising all around me,' in reference to life just being overwhelming.  But I see it differently.  I don't control the waters, He does.  But I control all the junk I am piling on top of myself, the things that are causing me to drown, the things that are making it so hard to reach out to him.  The WATERS aren't rising, I'M sinking.  The ocean represents life, the blue of the water is life, the natural things we go through.  The black underneath is the distance that finds a way between me and Him.  It's the closer to death I get with every new piece of debree I pile on top of myself.  If I sink to far under, the glimmer of light that always gives me direction to where I should swim towards to catch my breath will dissapear.  The worst part is, is that all I have to do is remove the junk.  I control it, most of it anyways.  I know there are things that I can do to push the debree aside, to get to a place that when I reach out to him, I can see him.  But instead of trying to find my way to him, I'm am struggling to stay afloat under the weight of all the stuff, kicking and flailing about begging HIM to find me.
     There are times when God reaches down and rescues us, pulls us out of the water in one swoop.  He did that when he sent his son to die for us.  In that moment, God pulled us out of the ocean where we were all drowning.  He rescued us.  There are those times when his love for us results in a rescuing, and then there are the times when his love for us allows us to save ourselves using the tools he has given us...His word, prayer, his commandments, worship.  Of course when everything is happening in life, when you are treading rough waters for what seems like forever and the weight of all the junk is weighing you down causing you to sink, we all want a rescuing.  We cry out for God to just reach down and pull us out.  And sometimes he does, but there are the times when he doesn't, and oddly enough, it's BECAUSE he loves us.  I think it's his way of showing us that we are not helpless, that if we trust HIM and his promises, that WE WILL NOT DROWN!!

Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this:

Your promise preserves my life.

At War With Myself

This came out of a devotion I was doing from 2 Chronicles 14-16:10.  There is a lot of meat in these passages but some very specific things spoke to me when I read the story of Asa, King of Judah.  Asa, king of Judah, was a follower of God.   He instituted reforms to rid the land of heathen deities and practices, and removed all the idols his father had made.  He demanded the people of Judah also follow God and obey his laws and commandments.  Because of his obedience to God, and ruling his land accordingly, the land lived in peace and without war for a long time.  Their land was built up and prospering because they were seeking the Lord.  It wasn't until about 10 years into his reign that King Asa encountered his first attacks from troops from Ethiopia.  When this happened, Asa turned to the Lord and relied on Him to prevail.  God defeated the Ethiopians, and Asa and the army of Judah triumphed as the Ethiopians fled. Asa then cleared the land of Judah and Benjamin of all idols. Then the people entered into a contract to worship only the Lord God of their fathers.  Then years later, 36 years into his reign, something changed.  When Baasha, king of Israel went up against Judah, Asa turned to the king of Aram for help (in the form of a treaty) rather than turning to God and relying on Him to carry them through.  It amazes me, just like the woman in 1 Kings 7 who has oil and flour show up miraculously everyday, that Asa who has also seen God's provision in a big way already, still screws up and fails to seek and trust God in his current situation.  
     Wow!  Now as warped as this sounds, I take a lot of comfort in that, because at least I know I'm not alone in my battle to continually place my trust in God.  The part that makes me extremely uncomfortable is where the story goes on to tell how because of Asa's reliance on something other than God, he will be at war over and over again.  Oh man, that's rough!  But isn't that exactly what happens to us when we don't put our trust in God and rely on him to carry us through?  I know it does with me!  I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself, fighting with my own fear and doubt, rather than putting my complete trust and reliance on God.  Until I learn to do that, I know I will be at war, battling to let God take control of my worries and stress.  I want to surrender to him in this way, but why do I always struggle with this?  God has shown me time and time again that He is able, and that He's carried me through times worse that whatever I'm worried about now.  
     Asa was so angry when he was told that because he relied on man and not God, he would be at war over and over, he sent Hanani (the one who delivered the message of war) to prison, and then went on to brutally oppress his people.  I may not be taking out my anger on others, but I'm definitely taking it out on myself.  I get so down on myself for my lack of trust, and it's an ugly cycle that eats away at my confidence and security as a child of God and a follower of Christ.  God does not want me living in this self inflicted oppression.  He sent his son to die for the very purpose that I may live in freedom. 
     God, I ask for your deliverance from this cycle.  Even in my lack of trust, your lover NEVER fails.  You're always waiting for me to surrender to you, and I fight.  I don't want to fight anymore, I'm tired and worn out from this battle of not trusting and wanting to.  God I ask that every time worry and fear enters my thoughts, I can take them captive in your name, knowing fully well that you are strong enough, powerful enough, able and wanting to carry me through to the other side where freedom and peace await me.  God help me not to tear myself down every time I find myself worrying.  In my humanity,  there is where forgiveness lives.  Fear is an emotion you created us to have in order to warn us when danger or evil is near.  It's natural sometimes to fear, amidst trouble in life, but at that point, help me to release it over to your care rather than seek comfort in other people or things.  Thank you for your divine alertness and that I can rely on you to keep me out of trouble- one round of war after another.  I want nothing more than to taste the sweetness of relying on you all the time, every day.

2 Chronicles 16:9 

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.

My Assurance Verses:

-He knows my name - Isaiah 43:1

-He sees my every move - Psalm 139:7

-He thinks about me - Psalm 139:17

-He is with me - Joshua 1:9

-He will fight for me - Exodus 14:14

-He made me in His image - Genesis 1:27

-He is my safe place - Psalm 62:6-8

-He has a plan for me - Jeremiah 29:11

-He is good - Psalm 119:68

-He is freedom - 2 Corinthians 3:17

-He is always with me - Matthew 28:20

-I am fearfully and wonderfully made - Psalm 139:14

Quirks are in the eye of the beholder

So, recently a good friend of mine came and spent some time with me and we had a great time, as we usually do.  But during this visit, I noticed that she was using the word 'weird' to describe me, which isn't totally out of the blue, but she seemed to be using it a lot more than usual, and finally it got to the point where I couldn't just let her label me as 'weird' without arguing my case a little.  Now, I must say that every time she called me weird, she followed it immediately with a hefty laugh, which didn't hurt my feelings, but rather made me want to enlighten her a bit on just how not weird I really am.  Turns out, I pretty much accomplished the exact opposite and not only got her to laugh at me more, but I actually now believe that I AM WEIRD!  In order to soften the blow of this new found 'weirdness', I decided that I can't accept THAT term and I must insist that from this point on we will refer to my 'weirdness' as quirks.  It just seems more endearing that way don't you think?  Me too.  So, all this to say that I now am acutely aware of all my quirks, and it when I think about them I can't help but laugh at myself while simultaneously thinking of all the quirks my future husband will have to have in order to find all my quirks endearing.  As I was sitting in my living room, I started to make a mental note of all my endearing quirks and I felt that for some odd reason I needed to write them all down on paper, magical internet paper that is, ie a blog.  (P.S. I am using 'endeering' repeatedly in order to make sure you realized that my quirks are in fact that, endearing). I am not sure why I felt the need to write them down, maybe it's just so that I can appreciate all the little things about me that will set me apart from all others.  So with that, here are some of my quirks that you might find aren't that weird at all and some that you can relate to, which in that case, you are also probably weird, oops... I mean quirky.
      *First awesome fun fact about me, I make it a personal goal every time I peel an orange, to get the peel off in one whole piece.  I don't know why, but it makes me feel so accomplished.  My own little 'Rocky' moment you might say.  Although, I don't hear 'Eye of the Tiger' while I'm peeling my orange, I'm not a total freak, geesh.  I actually feel a little disappointment when my peel breaks apart before I'm done peeling.  Why is this?  I'm not sure, but it's cute right?  Right?
     *Second, I cannot stand to eat ice cream if it's it's not near frozen solid.  I mean, my ice cream goes through a test of sorts before being opened.  I do this thing where I squeeze the container, and if at any point I can feel the ice cream move or soften whatsoever, it's back to the freezer!  There are those people who sit their ice cream out on the counter before serving in order to make it easier to scoop, and this is what I like to call blasphemous.  I mean at that point, let's just call it what it is...sugary milk soup.  I choose sweat and blisters on my hands over soft mushy ice cream any day.  Ick.  But, I also have an aversion to lukewarm things, like soup for instance.  My soup better be sweltering hot or get it away from me.  Same goes for coffee, tea, hot cocoa...etc.  Tell me I'm not the only one here.  I tried convincing my friend this does not make me weird, just simply....right.  She wasn't having it though, and personally I think she's just jealous of how this aversion to lukewarm things obviously make me super spiritual (See Rev. 3:16).
     *Endearing quirk numero tres, I refuse to have smelly feet.  I mean, you might be thinking, "okay Rylie, this isn't weird, this is just good hygene," and I would agree with you, but it goes beyond that.  I live alone, and I could get away with just coming home and kicking off my shoes and relaxing, but  nope.   If there is any hint of oder coming from the footal area, it's a quick rinse in the tub with soap for my feet.  I don't care if nobody else is around, it's happening.  And, I'm proud of my non smelly feet:)
     *Okay, it's time to risk being completely made fun of, if I haven't already, and share with you my fear of moths.  Yes, you read right...moths.  I know, I know, it seems crazy to you.  But, what if I told you I thought you were the crazy one because you WEREN'T afraid of moths?  Seriously, they are hairy and they flutter all up in your face and they are hairy.  I will dodge and weave like Mike Tyson whenever a moth comes anywhere near me.  And don't give me that "they are just like butterflies" shpeal.  I don't see butterflies attacking unsuspecting people who are out for a romantic walk and stop for a moment under a lamp post to sneak in a quick kiss.  I mean, that's never happened to me, but I imagine that would pretty much ruin the moment, and I don't want to have to see the look in that persons eyes when they realize that I have a fear of moths.  Don't judge me!
     *Something else that I feel I should share with you...I secretly beleive that I am partly responsible for the succes of the band Hanson. I know I know, it sounds crazy but it's true.  I distinctly remember the moment I was at my dads house during one summer and the song 'Mmmbop'  came on the music channel on tv, and I pretty much thought it was the greatest song ever, and I danced my socks off to it.  That was also in the days before itunes and instant song gratifacation, so I would literally wait all day for the song to come on again.  You might be thinking to yourself, "Rylie, that song is lame and the word 'career' is debatable in relation to Hanson," and to that I would say you are wrong.  Clearly that song is AWESOME and Hanson went on to have many more hits like.......um......you know that one.....um...... Anyways, all that to say that at the time I heard that song, no one had heard of Hanson and the geniousness of 'Mmmbop'.  I returned to my hometown at the end of the summer and I feel like I brought that song to the masses....of Lakeview.  I played it for all my friends and made them believers.  So, CLEARLY I had some part in the super succesful career of Hanson.  I'm still waiting for my name to appear in the credits of their 'greatest hits' album.  I might be waiting a long time, but I believe it's worth it.
     *And the last quirk I have to share with you is this, I still think the song 'Mmmbop' is one of the greatest songs ever written, and it makes me incredibly happy whenever I hear it.  Again, don't judge me.

Well there you go, a short list of all my quriks.  I am choosing to celebrate them and be proud of my uniqueness, even the thing that makes me unique also makes me weird.  I hope if nothing else, you got a good laugh, and can pinpoint some of your own quirks and take a minute to appreciate them and maybe share some in the comments section.  Us weirdos need to stand together.

Oh one more thing, this quote is most definitely my take on love:

    

 “We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone 

whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into 

mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” 

― Robert Fulghum

Music Pick Of The Week!

This weeks music pick are Northwest natives from Portland

--Blind Pilot--  

I have been a fan of these guys for a couple years now, and I just found out they will be in Eugene in September playing the WOW Hall.  Their music is so unique and different from anything out there right now.  I can't get enough of the banjo in their songs, and there's an artistic echo to their sound that almost makes you feel you are hearing them live every time you listen.  In a  world of auto-tune and drum machines, Blind Pilot is a breath of fresh air.  They are getting ready to release their new album ' We Are The Tide ' on September 13th, and I will be first in line to buy it....okay, so there might not be a line, but if there was, I would definitely be the first one in it.  Check them out and if you like them, I will see you on September 26th at the WOW Hall!

'One Red Thread' by Blind Pilot

To hear more and find out where you can catch a live show, check them out at http://www.blindpilotmusic.com/

Crushes...A Window To The Soul? Oh Dear God I Hope Not!

Ok, time for a totally pointless entry. Every good blog has one right?  There is no moral story here, no lesson to be learned, just good ol' fashion randomness and unproductive thinking.  Nothing about this entry will make you examine your choices in life and ask you to reconsider your thinking.  In fact, this entry probably won't ask you to do much thinking at all.  If this is as appealing to you as it was to me, than please continue on this journey of poor time management.  

     Let me first start of by asking you to read this without judgement.  Don't be scared, just know that I make no apologies for my sense of humor, or what you might consider lack thereof.  So, as you might have guessed by the title of this blog entry, this is about crushes.  The word 'crush' has the ability to cause very different reactions in people. For example, when you hear the word crush you.... 

• Giggle at the sound of it, remembering with fondness all your past crushes or maybe even a current one, and how cute he or she was/is.  
• Shudder at the sound of it, remembering with mortification  all your past crushes and praying to God that no one ever finds out you had a crush on THAT guy/girl.  
• Immediately start bawling your eyes out over 'the one that got away' or in some cases 'the one that filed a restraining order against you after one too many late night stalking sessions'.  
• Panic, thinking maybe someone knows that you are crushing on someone right now and that they are going to blow your 'I just like them as a friend' cover you've been using for the last couple months.  
• Smugly insist that you never have crushes because crushes are for teenage girls and you are far too mature and confident to have a lowly crush, in which case I would have to refer to you from this point on as a BIG FAT LIAR!  

     And if you are anything like me, you experience all of the above reactions simultaneously. That being said, crushes are inevitable and universal.  No one is above having crushes, and unfortunately you can't always control the outcome of your crush.  But, you CAN choose to find the humor in your past crushes  and use them to make other people laugh, hopefully with you and not at you.  This is precisely what I felt like doing, using my past crushes to bring some much needed comic relief to the all work and no play lifestyle that so many of us get wrapped up in.

     So let's go back to a time of innocence when my life revolved around jolly ranchers, foursquare, and a boy named Tyler.  Ahh, Tyler. I was in elementary school, probably 3rd or 4th grade, and I was most definitely in love with Tyler.  I mean, he pushed me on the swings for goodness sake, that move still works on me today.  He had blonde hair and blue eyes and he was like so popular.  I can remember the most exciting part of my day was when I heard the glorious ringing of the bell, signaling the sweet release into recess.  I had to make sure I made it to the foursquare court faster than the other girls so that I was first in line to compete, yes compete, for a chance to be Tyler's girlfriend during recess that day.  It was me versus all the girls who were eyeballing my man, which was a lot because like I said, he was like sooo popular.  I had my game face on and I looked my opponents square in the eye as if to say, "let's do this."  I winked at Tyler who was standing close by like a king watching the women of the village fight to be his queen,  and let's just say he was into it.   I was taking down opponents one by one without even breaking a sweat when 'she' walked over.  Her name was Kiley and she was enemy numero uno.  I had lost many a battle to this girl, and today I was determined to take her down.  She had been on the arm of my man one too many times, and I needed to put her in her place.  Well, yada yada yada, I lost to that little b word again, and she walked off into the sunset with her king leaving me in the dust.  That was my first experience of a crush gone wrong, and let's be honest...it sucked!
     Fast forward a couple years to the oh so horrifying middle school years.  The hallways are filled with girls with side ponytails towering over boys the size of smurfs.  The boys try desperately to make up for their 'short'comings by wearing pants that are 3 sizes to big and shirts that could fit the jolly green giant, thus making them look like what I and my fellow wolf-pack brother like to call, ra-tards.  I discovered quickly that I wouldn't be finding Mr. Right in the hallways of Daly Middle School, so I expanded my horizons and turned to HOLLYWOOD!  I needed only to turn on the t.v. or open the pages of Tiger Beat to find my next crush, and boy did I.  My walls were covered in posters of JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas for all you laypeople), Devon Sawa and maybe a picture or two of NKOTB (New Kids On The Block).  I can remember as if it was yesterday, sitting in front of the t.v. fast forwarding my Casper VHS to the end, when for two glorious minutes I got to see that friendly little ghost turn into the cutest boy ever, Devon Sawa.  I would rewind and fast forward until my fingers bled from pushing that button so many times, but it was worth it.  I was in love, and there isn't anything a 13 year old girl wouldn't do for love...well except maybe date a middle school boy.  But sadly, my Sawa saga ended abruptly with the the discovery of Indiana Jones.  Sawa out, Harrison Ford IN!  I forgot all about that casper freak the moment I laid eyes on the rippling muscles and rugged manliness of one Mr. Indiana Jones.  I was completely captivated by the eye candy I saw on screen, which developed into my first ever MAN crush.  I was a young teenager alone in her worship of Harrison Ford.  My girl friends couldn't escape the cult of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Leonardo Dicaprio.  I was an outcast among peers, known by others as 'the girl who likes that old dude.'  I didn't care though, because after all, I was suffering in the name of love.  Looking back, I realize that I was a weirdo, and if I could go back and meet my 14 year old self, I would make fun of her and tell her to keep her creepy man crush to herself.  I am still teased to this day for my crush on Harrison Ford, but I am thankful that I had him to compare all future boyfriends to...

• Handsome? Check
• Mysterious?  Check
• Resourceful? Check
• Fedora and Whip? Ooh, sorry dude, move along!

     I firmly believe that Indiana Jones himself saved me from some loser boyfriends in my lifetime.  But, like most crushes, especially celebrity ones, it died out and was quickly replaced by a new one.  Enter Brandon.  Brandon was not a hollywood hunk, but he was the new kid in town.  I liked him from the first time I met him, and I continued to crush on him for about 7 years.  I deserve some kind of an award for my faithfulness to my crushes, or an intense therapy session to figure out why I don't ever get the balls to tell the person I like them.  He had all the qualities I was looking for in a guy...tall, funny, and single.  I stood by and watched him date my good friend, become the class clown, tattoo people illegally in his bedroom, and get hit in the face with crutches in a high school brawl.  Yep, I know, dreamy right? I don't know what it was, but that boy had me at hello.  He was all kinds of wrong for me, but he made me laugh like nobody had ever done before, and anyone who knows me knows that's the fire to my ice...it just makes me melt.  But alas, all that ever became of that crush was a little game of footsie while watching a movie in my room.  La tee frickin da.  I finally realized it was probably better that we never dated when I saw him years later, covered head to toe in tattoos, smoking a cigarette, packing up to move to hollywood.  Oddly enough, the tattoos made him more attractive, but that's a whole other story.
     I have left out a couple other significant crushes for the simple reason that I doubt many of you will even get to this part of the story because I've basically written a novel here, and don't expect any of you to have the time nor the interest in continuing on.  I do have to give quick honorable mentions to Clay Walker (yes, the country singer), Vin Diesel (whom I once had a FRAMED picture of), Collin Farrell (right up until he went all homo-erotic in Alexander), and Corry Austin (a non-hollywood crush, who is what I consider a temporary lapse in judgement that only lasted 5 years or so).   I hope you got a laugh or two from this, and don't feel too guilty about wasting as much time as you did reading this pointless blog entry.

Music Pick Of The Week!

Okay, anyone who knows me knows that I can't live without music.  It's my own personal therapy, so it seems rather fitting that I include it in my blog...something that is meant to represent my life in the moment. So, from this point on I will be including a 'Music Pick of the Week', music that I'm currently in love with, or maybe even despise for which I need a place to loathe it publicly and not feel judged:)  So that's that.

This weeks Music Pick is --Gungor--.  I am currently loving this band with their beautiful harmonies, and melodic tones that seem to make my stress melt.  I hope you look them up and love them as much as I do, and if you don't, you should consider re-evaluating your taste in music because seriously, these guys are amazing. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

'Beautiful Things' by Gungor

Check out their website too http://gungormusic.com/

YoYo Dieting....The Spiritual Way?

Raise your hand if you have ever went on a diet.  C'mon, raise your hands!  Let's be honest here, most of us have tried our share of diets...the Atkins Diet, the South Beach Diet, the 'I think I can magically become a vegan' diet, and the dreaded cabbage soup diet.  Anyone?  Bueller?  Well, if you have had the great luck of having a perfect body, never feeling the need to lose a couple pounds, and being 100% happy with your body everyday, all the time, then I hate you and you should just get off the computer now and go dance in meadows and breathe in the sunshine and all that crap, because you are wasting your time reading this.  But, if you are anything like me, you are not always satisfied with what yo mamma gave ya, or in my case what my dad gave me...thanks again dad for the thighs.  I, like many of you, have tried more diets than I'd care to admit, only to give up after a few short weeks.  It's not something I'm proud of, but I have the willpower of an unconscious turtle when it comes to diets.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a rockstar in the first 2 weeks, munching my celery sticks and taking the stairs instead of the elevator, you know the basics. But then something happens...nothing.  Just when I think I can't eat another watery green stick of unfulfillment, I remind myself that it will all be worth it when I see the number on the scale. WRONG!  Nothing has changed.  I weigh exactly the same, and if I'm really having an off day, I've gained a pound.  I am shocked, dismayed, baffled and downright pissed off.  I can't believe I didn't lose anything, zero, zilch, nada, NOTHING!  So, instead of digging down deep and finding that determination needed to succeed...I quit.  I give up.  I mean I tried right?  For 2 WHOLE weeks I was faithful to the celery and stairs, and what did they ever do for me?  Can anyone relate?  Please tell me I'm not the only one here.  Hi my name is Rylie, and I'm a yoyo dieter.  The problem is, I love food.  Not just any food, but really good food.  It's in my blood really, coming from a family of excellent cooks and restaurateurs.  I could spend hours in specialty food stores, and my favorite genre of books is cookbooks:)  But, I need to learn how to make good food work FOR me rather than against me.   And, most of all, I need to COMMIT.  I need to have faith that if I do what I know is best for me and my body, I will see results....eventually.  Coming to this self-realization brought up another area in my life that is a battle for me...my walk with God.  I never really thought about it until now, but I am a spiritual yoyo dieter.  Sounds funny right?  Well, track with me here.  I go through times in life when I feel so disconnected with God.  I examine my life and try to figure out why He feels so distant, and it always comes back to the same thing.  I'm not reading His word, I'm not praying, unless you count my 2 second prayer when I'm running low on gas begging to make it to the gas station, I'm not seeking answers from Him, or spending time with Him.  So, I dive head first into his Word.  I'm now a rockstar at spirituality.  I'm reading scripture everyday, I'm praying for hours and I'm doing my devotions like a champ...I'm fixed right?  I've mastered spirituality just like I mastered dieting, and in only two weeks.  Wow, that has to be some sort of record.  Um, no.  Not quite.  Just like dieting I expect to see some results and because I have the attention span of a 2 year old, I want to see them now.  So, after reading day after faithful day of scripture, and not having any gigantic revelations, or not hearing the audible voice of God, or not having a specific passage blink at me in neon lights, I get discouraged.  I mean seriously, I don't know what I'm expecting but I'm pretty sure that my bible did not come with neon blinking lights.  I just feel that if something obvious isn't happening in the very moment that I'm reading, or praying, or doing devotions, then it's not working.  Just like a diet.  If I don't see those numbers go down on the scale immediately, I want to give up. In fact sometimes I do give up, going weeks without opening my Bible or conversing with God.  It's no surprise that distance creeps in.  But, I finally feel like I'm starting to get it.  Just because I may not see the results immediately, I know it's for my benefit to press on.  Even thought I may not hear God when I am crying out for answers, I know He's listening and sometimes that's enough.  Even though I read the same verse over and over hoping I'll understand what the heck it's talking about, I know I'll get it one day when I'm faced with something and THAT verse pops into my head, and only then will it make sense.  I am tired of being a yoyo spiritual dieter, it's not healthy.  And just like with healthy diet and exercise, I might not be able to SEE the results right away, but my body can FEEL them.  I feel better, I have more energy, I'm not as tired, my confidence goes up.  It's the same with my walk with the Lord.  I may not be able to SEE the changes happening right away, or in a obvious way, but I know God is stirring something within me and my life will reflect that...eventually.  So, don't be discouraged when you feel like your talking to thin air when you pray, or that you don't have a holy moment for every time you read God's word.  Just know that by continuing to do it, you are feeding into your life, and you will see the changes from it.  God is faithful!